barbara walters just said penis...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
