I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
