i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
