So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
