her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
