Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
