He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
