Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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