someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
