i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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