6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
