I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
