We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
