i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
