You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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