I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I looked at my own cervix.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
