Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
