my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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