I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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