Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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