I wish my penis had an off switch
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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