I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
