Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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