last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
