birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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