got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
