I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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