I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
