she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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