Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
