MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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