I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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