did you get engaged???
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
