took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
