Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
