Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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