Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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