The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
