im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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