'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
