I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
FUCK WHALES
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