That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
