I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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