Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
