I'm eating all of the evidence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
