I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
