Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
