i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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