If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
