and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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