i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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