Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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