Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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